


Spinel's Announcement

by Digigal_transbian



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Dick Jokes, Gen, Memes, Post-Episode: s06e19 I Am My Monster, Pre-Episode: s06e20 The Future
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:28:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25385293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Digigal_transbian/pseuds/Digigal_transbian
Summary: Spinel has an important announcement to make.
Relationships: Amethyst & Steven Universe, Peridot & Steven Universe, Spinel & Steven Universe
Comments: 9
Kudos: 25





	Spinel's Announcement

"I've come to make an announcement." 

Spinel begins her speech with authority in her voice, staring directly into the camera that Amethyst is manning with as serious of an expression that she can. Behind her stands the full Diamond mech, piloted by Steven with Peridot's helpful advice coming in from the Roaming Eye that the green gem rigged up in orbit.

The instant Amethyst mentioned getting Steven to borrow the whole Diamond Mech for a couple hours for a meme, Peridot and Spinel immediately accepted. They found a barren planet and Jerry-rigged a livestream to the Obsidian Temple, recording the event for future remembrance. Peridot set herself up in a modified Roaming Eye, Steven got used to controlling the complete mech, and Amethyst hit "Stream and Record".

"Pink Diamond's a bitch ass motherfucker. She pissed on my fucking life." Spinel scowls for the communicator, "That's right. She took me to her facet shaped fucking flowery garden, and she pissed on my fucking life, and she said that her lattice was 'This big,' and I said 'That's disgusting.'"

Amethyst can be heard giggling from behind the camera, trying her hardest to keep it all in.

"So I'm making a callout post on my Twitter dot com. Pink Diamond, you got a small lattice!" Spinel accuses to the camera, pulling a walnut out of her gem as she speaks, "It's the size of this walnut except Way smaller! And guess what? Here's what my crystal structure looks like!"

Between the legs of the massive diamond ship, a door opens. From the opening, two large spheres emerge, drooping slightly. A long shaft with a well defined tip expands and extends from inside the opening, making Amethyst bite her lip trying to not laugh. She succeeds at not snickering too loudly. The girth of the appendage is surprising.

Watching the stream back on Earth, Pearl groans into her hands at the sight of Pink's old "Dong Destroyer" cannon. Bismuth, Lapis, and Greg are openly laughing at the majestic sight, tears in their eyes.

Halfway across the state, Andy DeMayo suddenly feels insecure, but he can't place why.

"That's right, baby! All points, no quills, no pillows, look at that, it looks like two balls and a bong!" Spinel proudly proclaims, "She fucked my life, so guess what, I'm gonna fuck the Earth! That's right, this is what you get, my super laser piss!"

The tip of the cannon swells slightly as the weapon begins to glow. Inside the spheres, photonic plasma spins and glows, building up the destructive force as it goes. Light flows through the protrusion like blood through veins. The main body of the cannon raises, aiming at the nearest moon to its line of sight. Amethyst tries and succeeds at not dying of laughter at the sight of the fully erect weapon.

"Except I'm not gonna piss on the Earth, I'm gonna go higher." Spinel ventures, the faux mad look in her eyes gaining a hit of mania, "I'm pissing on the Moon!"

The stream shifts to a camera rig set up on a Roaming Eye as Steven sends the ship's hips forward with a powerful thrust with its heads behind its head, shooting a powerful beam of golden light directly at one of the planet's moons. The crotch cannon's beam proves to be too much for the celestial body, as the moon explodes entirely. Amethyst has to shapeshift her mouth away to not start cackling madly at the sight.

Back on Earth, Garnet chokes on her drink as the moon explodes, Greg can't breathe, and Bismuth and Lapis laugh themselves into accidentally forming Cobalt. Pearl groans with her face buried in her hands for a solid minute.

"How do you like that Steven? I pissed on the moon you idiot!" Spinel proclaims into the alien sky. "You have 23 hours before the Piss Drrroplllets hit the fucking Earth! Now get out of my fucking sight, before I piss on you too!"

The stream fades to static, and the planet is silent for exactly ten seconds before Spinel and Amethyst break out into giggles. They correctly assume that Steven and Peridot are doing the same thing.

"What time is it?" Spinel asks the Deep cut Quartz, pulling herself out of her fit of giggles.

"Which way is north?" Amethyst inquires. Spinel points to due north as Amethyst takes a few steps back onto a hill, looking directly at the shadow the cannon is casting, "I'd say about 11:30."

The Roaming Eye descends from its position as an orbital satellite, landing next to the two comedic gems. From the Diamond Mech, a white bubble appears from the head and drifts down to the group, fading away to reveal Steven sheepishly rubbing the back of his head.

"Peridot, how do I get the cannon back in the legs?" Steven asks, slightly embarrassed at the fact he can't get the cannon to go down.

"It should go back on its own soon enough, but if it takes more than four hours let me know." Peridot replies.

"I guess you should say that ship is really..." Amethyst pauses for dramatic effect with a devilish grin on her face, "Packing some heat?"

Steven, Peridot, and Spinel look at her blankly for one second before devolving into laughter.

"Musta been November for the last six thousand years!" Spinel jests, making Steven start to curl in on himself in laughter.

"Yo P-dot, got any dirty jokes?" Amethyst asks, nudging the green gem's shoulder as Steven tries to regain his ability to breathe.

"I have plenty, I've been around my share of Fukalites, Dickites, and Cummingtonites enough to understand a good 'dirty joke', as you say." Peridot replies with smugness in her voice.

"Yeah, yeah, didn't ask that, but remind me that I need to meet them some day." Amethyst shrugs off, "I asked if you could tell one."

"Oh, uh, sure." Peridot replies, looking back at the Diamond Mech and pointing at the crotch cannon that is still armed and ready, "You think the Cluster could help with that?"

"Why?"

"I just figured that maybe the ship could benefit from a big hand job."

"Pfft-" Amethyst sputters out, devolving into cackles, "Sucks that the Cluster is basically stuck in the Earth, though. She's too big to fit through anything without wrecking it."

"That's what she said." Spinel says, looking off to the side with a sly smile.

As they walk off towards the horizon, waiting for the cannon to retract on its own, the sound of their joyous laughter echoes across the alien planet, not a care to be heard.

**Author's Note:**

> If Spinel knows enough about memes to deliver Eggman's Announcement, she probably knows how to make a few dick jokes.
> 
> They are the highest form of comedy, after all.


End file.
